Few days back my friend shared a video about "bad marriage is worst than divorced" on Facebook and that 's the life I had to go through for most of the years . It's funny to think that parents always believe that their decision to stay in bad marriage is better than getting divorce especially for asian family. Their stupid ego that said "we stayed together because of our kids or because we are committed with our marriage vows", that made their children living in such a miserable life. The above quote that said "A tragedy's staying in an unhappy marriage, teaching your children the wrong things about love". is so true and that was the life I lived for the past 27 years of my life.
Back in Junior high school, when the girls were talking about their future plans, what they wanted to be, and do at certain age, clearly I remembered that I wanted to work at the age of 22, then get married by the age of 24, then running my own businesses, becoming a successful entrepreneur, and building happy family. And guess what? I'm 33 now, single, and I've no clue when I settle down with the right man.
Whenever mom asked when am I getting married or why I don't want to get married, the only answer I give is just NO. How can I tell mom, their failed marriage life is what made me like this? There was one time, when I decided I don't want to get married after I realized that we were three people who lived under one roof, stuck together and none were willing to build a family with happiness. Three people who happened not wanted to be happy together, who wanted to walk alone. I realized that at such a young age, but that didn't make me walk away from settling down. I'm not scared of settling down with the right person but I'm afraid of marriage life. I'm afraid on how to live with the same person for so many years, I'm scared on whether I can build a family, whether my husband and I would be living in happy marriage life, etcs. There are so many unspoken fears and thought stayed in my mind until I decided no for getting married but yes being in living-in-relationship.
It is truly a tragedy for me; to witness, to get through, and to not understand why two person who didn't love each other kept staying together until death do them apart? How can two person with so much differences, with that much hatred, and no sense of loving stayed together for the sake of "being committed" , when themselves loathes each other. A mother and a Father who didn't teach me about the value of themselves as a father and a mother, who didn't tell show me what family supposed to be, who never tell me about those beautiful fairytale stories, who never tell me about love, how beautiful to fall in love, who never just there to at least tell me some beautiful white lies about love, life and happiness. Whenever they had fight, they kept saying "divorce" and,whenever they said and asked, I never say No! I always said go ahead, just let me have a good life - That's all I asked. You must laugh at me that I didn't know any fairytale stories about those princesses until I watched the princesses movie back in my 20's.
So, dear parents, you are not a fortune teller, neither fortune teller able to predict your children's future as nothing permanent in this life. If you are not living in happy and healthy marriage life, please , just move on for the sake of your children; Just walk away from those miserable life as you are making things worst. No matter how hard you try to protect your children, there will be moments that printed in the back of their mind and turned to be fears when they grow up. You must understand why there are people who scared to be in a relationship, who walked away when being asked about getting married /having a baby. They may didn't really realize why they become like that when they are adult, but you know, it all begins at home. The relationship between each member of the family, the pains they hold, the believe they create, and the hope they keep inside.
I've told my parents many times since my childhood to just get divorce, but they never did. I yelled at them when I was in my late 25's, to just get divorce. Why do they have to stay together when they disrespect of each other? When one overruled the other ones, when they give their angers to me, etcs. See, they bring their bad experiences to me, to my life, and to just controlling my life and love life. When I was in love, so happy in a relationship, when I realized I think I'm ready to settle down, they thrown away those, because they never know how it feels to be loved and to be happily in a relationship.
My parent's relationship wasn't abusive physically but more like attitudes and disrespectful. My dad didn't cheat, even if he did, I won't blamed him. And neither my mom cheated and if she did, I would love to know the guy even. See, I was and is still liberal because I believe in personal happiness. Perhaps, if they were happy as single, I might felt more love, more happiness and more appreciate them and understand the meaning of family. I don't know why a son/daughter could scarified so much for their parents, I don't know because I never experienced. And I'm scared, I would be failed as a mother. No, I don't know how to be thankful, to be feel appreciated, to be shown happiness and loved, I don't know. My life as a daughter is nothing except being a burden but my life is changing since I was 27. I thought I had found someone, but the journey were too rocky; money and distance reveals everything. But from him, I learned how it feel to be loved, to understand the warmth of family, to just be who I really am and to find blessing at time when thing goes wrong and right. I'm thankful for that but at the same time, remembering how a person changed through time because of money and distance, I begin to fear again , recalling the life my parents lived for years that perhaps, I don't deserved happiness, I'm not worth it to be loved and living happily with the right man, experiencing the true meaning and joy of having family. And all these fears started from home, the place where love is equal as money and relationship is merely means fight for your own and be selfish. And how to get over fears that have been planted in your mind unconsciously, the fears that created by our parents, projected those unhappy images and moments throughout the whole 27 years that true love never exists, neither being happy in a relationship or no such a thing called family.
So dear parents, stop thinking about the future and start to just think about yourself for today and tomorrow. Your children may don't understand the situations, but they have a strong feeling. You may don't have to utter words, through your eyes, they can understand. You are not doing a favor for your kids, you're ruining their belief systems. Divorce is not harmful but bad marriages are forever printed in their heart with deeper cut . At least with divorce, there are big chances, your children will be experiencing more love, more attentions, more care, more happiness. While witnessing and experiencing of living with bad marriages create a trauma and become their habit. How can you expect your children to build a strong family foundation, if you never let them experiences love, happiness and how to stand still when thing goes wrong. Everything begins at home, not at school.
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